


The Subconscious Mind

by orphan_account



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-18
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:09:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><img/><br/>Banner by Stormy</p><p>Jin was not gay. In fact, he was far from it – he was a popular idol, and bringing home a different girl in regular periods. That was an unshakeable fact. … So why was he having those dreams about one of his best friends?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Take 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is the first fanfiction I write in which Kame and Jin are not necessarily on bad terms. So yay for that ^^’

_I felt soft lips kissing my neck, making me shiver. Strong arms wrapped around my waist, the fingers slipping under my shirt, caressing the skin of my stomach._

_I shivered, leaning into the kisses, my back meeting a firm chest. I felt hot, so hot, and my breathing started to become shallow._

_Suddenly, the kisses and the body I was leaning into were gone. Before I was able to moan in protest, I was pushed down on the couch, a familiar face looking down at me, smirking._

_“Kame” I whispered, shocked, but my voice was too laced with lust to show it._

_Kame didn’t stop grinning, his brown eyes glinting dangerously as he fell down to his knees in front of me, his hands flying to undo my belt buckle._

_“Kame” I murmured, appalled. “What are you doing?”_

_He only raised an eyebrow at me mischievously and continued opening my pants, and when he was done, he reached into my underwear to pull out my erection, which was, inexplicably,_ erected.

_With one more smirk at me, Kame went down on me, taking it into his mouth. I couldn’t help but moan at the feeling, closing my eyes. Kame traced my head with his tongue before bopping up and down on me, driving me insane._

_I opened my eyes again, letting out a shaky breath as I watched him. He looked_ hot _, I realized with some surprise; his brown locks falling into his eyes, his full lips tightening around me… He started sucking firmly, and I groaned, my head falling back, feeling myself race towards my orgasm…_

_And I heard some weird beeping sound in my head, frowning through the sensations clouding my mind. What the heck?! This was annoying! What-?!_

I opened my eyes, blinking at the sight of my dark bedroom. I looked to my side, seeing my cell phone vibrate with the sound of the alarm on my bedside table. I sat up, turning it off before staring into space, shell-shocked.

Had I really just dreamt of Kame giving me a blowjob?!

Too shocked by this realization to think straight, I blinked, looking down at me. My hard-on was still visible through my boxers.

“What the heck…?” I murmured, my voice husky.

Don’t understand me wrong – I am not gay! Seriously, I’m anything _but_ gay! I’m bringing home a different girl about three times a week, damnit!

Then why was I dreaming of Kame, who I hadn’t talked to in months, in that way? And _why_ was I being aroused by it?!

WHAT THE HECK?!

I remembered parts of the dream, shuddering as the sensations ran through me again, seeming absurdly real. I got up quickly, eager to get a cold shower to calm me down.

I couldn’t get rid of memories of the dream all the way to work, though. It freaked me out. I had never dreamt of a guy before, let alone someone I knew and was close to. What was that supposed to mean?!

Maybe it had to do with Kame. I mean, he resembled a girl sometimes, didn’t he?! Look at the performance of ‘1582’, for god’s sake! This guy could move himself more feminine than most women!

Maybe I had seen a girl that had unconsciously reminded me of Kame, and that’s why my subconscious mind…

It went like that all morning – me trying to make up stupid explanations to why I had had a dirty dream that included an ex-band-mate of mine. Even my crew noticed that I was being absentminded. At some point, someone asked me what was on my mind, and I had become all flustered, mumbling something about not having slept that well.

I tried to get a grip of me, I really did. But I just couldn’t make myself concentrate on work. This whole thing freaked me out.

“Akanishi!” I looked up when I heard my name being called by my manager. He was standing right in front of me, seeming exasperated. I hadn’t even noticed him approaching me.

“Yes?” I asked carefully.

“You need to sign this” he declared, handing me some kind of paper. I skipped over it without reading, trusting my manager with the business crap. “What date is it?” I asked, reaching for the pen he was reaching out to me.

“February 24th” he answered with a sigh.

I froze, my heart sinking in realization.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, popping a skeptic eyebrow at me.

“Nothing” I murmured, signing the paper absentmindedly. “I just forgot someone’s birthday.”

“Shit, shit, shit!”I murmured as I paced my flat the same night, staring down at Kame’s number in my phone.

How could I have forgotten his birthday?! Here I was, leaving the band to go to America, and being the good friend he was, he had never tried to stop me, not once. Instead, he had supported me, telling me I would be able to make it, and even if not, he was there for me and I could return to KAT-TUN any time I wanted. Then, I had been too busy to call him for months, and now I even had forgotten his birthday.

To my defense, it was hard to get hold of him, with the time difference and our busy jobs. I threw a short look at the clock, counting forward.

“11 a.m.” I murmured, sighing. I would not be able to get hold of him at this time of the day, right? And even if I did, he’d be all grumpy that I interrupted him at work.

I groaned, throwing my phone onto the couch lazily, lying down on it too a second later, pouting to myself. It would have to wait for another time.

For the rest of the night, I was watching Japanese TV, unconsciously watching out for some news about my former band mates or anything. It was no use, though – I caught something about Aiba-Kun’s new drama, or Pi’s solo tour, but that was about it. Finally, I settled down to watch some stupid documentary about Watanabe Ken before I drifted off to sleep.

_I woke up to someone hovering above me on the couch, kissing my neck. The lips found a spot right behind my ear, sucking on it, and I had to moan, opening my eyes._

_The TV was still on, but turned on mute. I recognized KAT-TUN on the screen, performing some song I didn’t recognize. It took me a second to notice that Kame was missing._

_“Kame?” I murmured, my voice turning into a moan again as the lips nibbled on my ear. I looked up, and he was smirking down at me, his dark eyes carrying a mischievous glint in them which turned me on and scared me to death at the same time. “What are you doing here?” I whispered, confused. “You should be in Japan, with KAT-TUN-“_

_I cut myself off as he moved to sit at the end of the couch, his hands flying to the waistband of my sweat pants. He licked his lips as he pulled it down slightly, taking my boxer briefs with them in one sweep. His eyes focused my raging hard on as it came into view, and he didn’t waste any time to go down on it, enveloping it with his lips._

_I almost screamed, my fingers knotting in his soft brown hair, holding his head down. I felt him swallow around me, and I gasped, overwhelmed by the sensations._

_“Kame” I whispered, his name rolling from my lips naturally._

_He moved his head up and down quickly, one of his hands fumbling with the balls, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so close, so damn close, and I just wanted to…_

Something exploded inside the TV, and I opened my eyes, my heart racing. The documentary had changed into some crime drama, and the car of some cop had just blown off, and everyone was screaming, but I couldn’t care less right now.

I looked down at myself, making out the bulge inside my sweat pants easily. It was not hard to miss, really.

I rolled onto my back, squeezing my eyes shut in desperation.

“Moouuuuu…” I moaned quietly to myself, frustrated.

This could not be happening, could it?!


	2. Take 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by Stormy

„What’s up, Jin?“ Josh asked as he sat down next to me in our lunchtime break, patting my shoulder. “You seem tense, bro.”

“It’s nothing” I murmured, chewing on the head of my water bottle, staring off into space.

“Yeah, sure” he chuckled, shaking his head. “You’ve never been good at being discreet, you know? So shoot!”

I sighed, looking up at him unsurely.

“Josh, have you ever…” I murmured, not quite sure how to put it. “Have you ever dreamt of having sex with a friend?”

“What, that’s what you’re hung up on?!” he asked incredulous, laughing at me. “We are men, Jin, of course we’ll have some fantasies now and then… Tell me, who is she?!”

I made a face, focusing on my drink again. I should have known that he wouldn’t understand… Well, who would, when I don’t even understand it myself?!

“It’s Aubree, isn’t it?!” Josh rambled on, not catching on to my mood. “I knew you had something going on, you two, it was so obvious!”

Well, of course, it was obvious, I thought to myself darkly. We had been in bed once. But it hadn’t meant anything; we had been drunk, I had been lonely… It was clear that it would not lead to anything. No matter how much I longed for a real relationship, I didn’t seem to be able to keep one at the moment.

I sighed in relief when Josh was being called over by someone else, finally leaving me alone. I groaned to myself, running my hand through my hair in frustration.

It had already been the third night in a row that I had dreamt of Kame. It was driving me insane. What was this supposed to mean?!

I liked to think that I had a bad conscience because I had forgotten his birthday, and I still hadn’t managed to call him, so my subconscious mind made up these stupid images to make sure that I didn’t forget. Only that it was being quite counterproductive – the more I dreamt of Kame in that way, the less I seemed to be able to call him.

I mean, how should I behave when I talk to him?! Josh had just reminded me how obvious I always was… I would probably be all awkward and think about Kame sucking me off while I wished him a happy belated birthday!

I shuddered at the image, shaking my head at myself.

This was ridiculous. I’d known Kame for how long?! An eternity! It shouldn’t be that hard to call him! It should be the most natural thing in the world!

I sat up, mentally giving myself a prep talk. I would be calling Kame tonight, as soon as I came off work. And I would not back out of it again. As soon as I had talked to him, ensuring myself that everything was alright and Kame was not mad at me, the stupid dreams would stop, and I could move on with my life!

With that thought, I got up, eager to finish this day of work as quickly as possible to set my plan into action.

As soon as I got back home, I threw my things into some corner of my flat and fished my phone out of my jeans pocket, scrolling through my contacts until I found Kame’s number. I pushed the call button immediately, before I could think twice about it, holding the phone to my ear. I closed my eyes in anticipation as I listened to the ringing.

One… two …

_“Hi, you’ve reached the mail box of Kamenashi Kazuya. I’m currently not available, so please leave me a message after the ring, or try again later.”_

I groaned in frustration, looking down at my display with a frown. Sure, it had to be this way.

Wait, I thought quickly, hanging up and dialing anew. Didn’t the mailbox appear a little too quickly, after only two rings?

Had he _rejected_ my call?!

I tried again, panic flooding through me at the realization of what had just happened. Was he really mad at me for not being in touch all this time?! Was that why he was ignoring me?!

I listened to the ringing of the phone again.

One… Two… Three… Four…

“Yes?!” I recognized Kame’s exasperated voice as he took the call. My heart sank in expectation to be yelled at. “Who is it?!”

Oh, sure, I had forgotten that I was hiding my number.

“It’s me, Jin” I answered hesitantly, already regretting that I had called, when Kame let out a surprised gasp, and the tone of his voice changed.

“Jin?!” he asked, chuckling slightly. “God, it’s been ages! Why are you calling?”

“To wish you a happy belated birthday” I murmured, embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I forgot…”

“That’s why you’re throwing such a rampage?!” he responded incredulous, laughing. “It’s alright, I know how busy you are! It happens to all of us!”

“Still, I should have called earlier” I murmured, but Kame interrupted me, and I heard voices in the background of his side of the line.

“Listen, can I call you back later?” he asked. “I just walked out of a meeting, and I need to go back!”

“Sure” I answered, taken aback, slight disappointment running through me. “Call anytime.”

“Alright, I will” he answered. “And Jin?”

“Yes?”

“I’m glad you called. It’s been too long.” I smiled stupidly at his words, all my former moodiness flying out of the window suddenly. Had Kame always had this kind of influence on me? “Bye!”

“Bye!” I returned, and he hung up on me.

I let myself fall down on the couch, grinning. I had been ridiculous, worrying about such a stupid thing. I threw my cell phone onto the couch cheerfully, turning on the music and dancing through the room as I heated water for some instant noodles.

_“Jin…” Kame whispered, catching my lips with his in a passionate kiss. I moaned into his mouth, pulling him closer, one of my hands knotting into his brown locks, threading my fingers through them._

_He pushed me gently, urging me to walk backwards until my legs hit the bed. I fell onto the cushions, taking Kame with me. He chuckled, squirming on top of me, breaking our kiss._

_“Careful” he whispered, out of breath. I smirked, leaning up to connect our lips once more, not willing to let him go. He smiled against my lips, his hands flying to the hem of my shirt, slipping his slim fingers under them, making me shudder as he traced my skin…_

_I heard my phone ringing, but I groaned, pulling Kame closer, deciding to ignore it. Kame’s tongue traced my bottom lip, and I opened my mouth to allow him access–_

I opened my eyes, blinking at the darkness in the room. My phone vibrated on the bedside table, being the only source of light in the room. I sat up, shaking my head to clear it from the images of the dream, reaching for it, checking the caller ID.

It was Kame. I felt a slightly giddy tingling in my tummy, but I tried to suppress it as I took the call. This was not the moment to ponder over my stupid dreams.

“Moshimoshi?” I murmured, rubbing my eyes with my fingers.

“Jin?” I heard Kame’s worried voice, and I felt a little more sober, smiling slightly to myself. “Sorry, did I wake you? You sound sleepy…”

“It’s kind of 4 in the morning, Kame” I answered, awake enough to put a teasing tone into my voice as I checked the clock.

“Oh gosh, sorry!” he groaned, and I could hear him slap his own forehead. “I totally forgot the time difference! Sorry!”

“Don’t worry” I chuckled, squirming, trying to find a more comfortable position. “I’m glad you called back at all, busy as you are.”

“I could say the same thing about you” Kame responded, and I heard the smile in his voice. “I heard about ’47 Rounin’. Congrats!”

“Thanks!” I chuckled, feeling myself become more awake now that I was talking to Kame. Usually, I would have killed everyone who’d dare to interrupt my sleep, but with him, it was kind of different, somehow. Maybe it was because I hadn’t talked to him for so long.

We started to chat about everything and nothing at the same time from then on – from my tour through the States to the new movie to his activities with KAT-TUN to Taguchi’s latest (lame) puns. It was like I hadn’t realized how much I missed Kame until I finally got to talk to him again. I mean, when we had still been in one band, we had been around each other so much that we eventually would get on each other’s nerves – but still, no matter how snappy Kame could be when he was in a bad mood, he had always been one of the people who were closest to me. He knew me inside out, and only now I noticed how much I was lacking such a person here in America. Sure, I had friends, but no one who could ever compare to Kame.

I hadn’t paid any attention to the time throughout the call; but when the sun began to shine through my curtains, I frowned, throwing a look at the watch.

“Damn!” I gasped. “I’ve got to be at work in an hour!”

“What?!” Kame asked incredulous, obviously checking the time now himself. “Woah, you’re right, we’ve been talking for over 3 hours!“

“You’re to blame if I nap off on set!” I teased him. “I hardly got any sleep because of you!”

“Sorry” he returned sheepishly.

“You’d better be” I chuckled, stretching before I started to crawl to the edge of the bed.

“You know, this wouldn’t have happened if you had come home once in a while” he added with a sigh. “Am I ever gonna get the chance to talk to you face to face again?!”

“I promise to call more often” I answered hesitantly, a tack of bad conscience crawling through me again.

“Well, that would be nice, but that’s not what I meant” he chuckled. “Are you going to come back to Japan anytime soon? I’d love to see you!”

“It’ll be difficult, Kame” I murmured. “What with the filming and everything… I’m busy…”

“It’s okay” he returned. “It’s not like I don’t know it myself, it’s just… weird, you know? We used to see each other almost every day, and now, we ever hardly find the time to call. I wished it was different.”

“Me too” I admitted. “But look at it on the bright side, I won’t get on your nerves any longer!”

“I have Taguchi for that” he chuckled. “You wouldn’t make that much difference, would you?”

“You’re putting me on one level with Taguchi?!” I asked in mock shock. “That’s it, I’m hanging up now.”

“Don’t!” he called, laughing. “I’ll take it back – you’re not as bad. You’re worse. Taguchi can be ignored, you’ll make sure you’re not, clingy as you are!”

“So, why do you want me back in Japan again?!” I returned, glaring though he couldn’t see me, of course.

“I’m asking myself the same thing as well, sometimes” he sighed, half-serious now, but he let it drop. “Alright, you’ve got to get to work, and I’ve got to get to bed. Don’t nap off!”

“I’ll try” I chuckled. “I’ll call again, okay?”

“I won’t believe that until you do” he teased.

“I will!” I laughed. “You’ll see!”

“Yeah” he returned, clearly doubting it. “Take care!”

“You too! Say hello to the others from me!”

“I will! Bye!”

“Bye! Goodnight!”

I heard Kame chuckle as he hung up, and I smiled at the phone as I lowered it from my ear. As soon as I had hung up, I felt strangely empty, all the good mood from talking to Kame disappearing like the “plop” of a soap bubble.

I wondered what that was about. Maybe it had to do with my tiredness.

I turned out to have unexpected luck throughout the day – as soon as I got out of the shower, I got a call from my manager, telling me that the director had caught flu and that I would have the rest of the week free.

For a moment, I wondered what I should do with my now free day before the obvious answer came to me with a yawn – _sleep._ Definitely sleep.

_I woke up to someone nibbling on my earlobe. I smiled, taking in the familiar scent as I turned around, pulling the slim figure next to me into my arms without even opening my eyes._

_“I missed you” I whispered with a sigh, and I felt him kiss my neck gently, nibbling on it slightly._

_“Me too” he breathed against my skin, making me shiver slightly. “Gosh, Jin, I missed you so much!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/38758.html  
> http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/08/23/multichapter-the-subconscious-mind-take-2/


	3. Take 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by Stormy

I took a deep breath as I pushed the door to the Johnny’s Entertainment buildings open.

I couldn’t believe that I was really here – that I had taken the next best flight to Tokyo, thrown my things into my flat and left for the agency to search for my ex-band without even calling my parents beforehand.

It’s just that I had felt the need to come here immediately and see _him_. I needed those dreams to stop – they were driving me insane. I hadn’t even dared to sleep on the plane, scared that I would end up moaning Kame’s name in my sleep or wake up with a boner.

It really needed to _stop_. And maybe, if I met up with Kame, it would. It was the only solution I had up my sleeve at the moment. The next would be seeing a psychiatrist.

After asking the lady behind the counter about KAT-TUN’s whereabouts (Kame had mentioned that they would be recording their new single today, so I had known that they would be here somewhere), I made my way up to the recording studio I had been sent to.

I cursed myself about feeling all giddy. I was just going to see some old friends! It was no big deal, really! (Just that I happened to be dreaming about banging one of them… No, Jin, stop it! Stop thinking about it!)

Finally, I reached the studio, hesitating a moment before I forced myself to knock. I wondered if they would be able to hear my knocking above the music inside, but then the door opened, and Koki was looking at me with big eyes. He didn’t move for the next few seconds, and nor did I, not quite sure what to make out of his reaction.

At last, he opened his mouth to call over his shoulders: “Guys, I think the tamagoyaki was bad, after all. I’m seeing things.”

“What the heck are you talking about?!” I heard Kame’s voice from inside, and my heartbeat sped up a little as I heard footsteps coming closer, until he finally turned up behind Koki, his eyes widening in shock at my sight.

“Jin?!” he called incredulous. “What the-?!”

I raised my right hand to wave hello, smiling sheepishly.

“My director fell ill, and now I’ve got a few days off. You told me to come back to Japan once in a while. Well, here I am.”

Kame stared at me for a moment, blinking, before a shaky laugh left his lips.

“Oh my gosh, you’re kidding, right?!” he murmured, finally pushing past Koki with a grin on his lips to pull me into a hug. “You’re crazy!”

“Maybe” I returned, slightly breathless as I hugged him back, despite the voice inside my head telling me not to, because if I was too close, Kame could feel the way my heart beat went out of control. I could smell him as he hugged me, and he smelled even more appealing than in my dreams. Had he always smelled that good?

“So he really is here?” I heard Koki speak up after a moment. “I don’t need to see a doctor?”

Kame snickered, letting go of me to tease him. I didn’t catch what he was saying, though – I was too busy staring at his face. Then I noticed what I was doing, and tried to get a grip of myself. What the hell?! This was Kame! He was a _guy_ , and one of my longest friends! I was _not_ gay!

… So why did I feel like backing him up against the next best wall and kissing him senseless, no matter if Koki was standing right next to us or not?!

Finally, Koki seemed to have caught on to the fact that I was actually here, and he pulled me into a hug as well, scolding me for not having called for such a long time. I was being pulled inside by the two of them then, where the others had already been throwing curious looks towards the door. When they recognized me, Taguchi jumped up immediately to pull me into a hug too, whereas Ueda’s mouth hung so wide open that Nakamaru had to laugh at him, forgetting his own surprise for the moment.

Overall, it was awesome to reunite with the guys again. I felt like coming home, and I was being welcomed by them as if I had been never gone, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

Only that I was overly aware of Kame’s hand on my shoulder, and the heat that seemed to pulsate from his touch. It was more than just slightly distracting, and though I was happy to be here, I wondered if it had been such a good idea to come.

After the guys had finished work, they pulled me towards the next best bar, wanting me to grab a drink with them. I had protested at first, telling them that I had a jet leg and I needed to sleep, and we could always do it tomorrow (mostly because I wanted to be alone to freak out over my reaction towards Kame), but they wouldn’t hear any of it. And hey, really, I’ve known the guys long enough to know that some of them, like Koki, couldn’t be stopped if they wanted to drink.

Well, not that I was any different. However, _today_ was different.

I wasn’t the only one who seemed reluctant to drink, though, I noticed with some surprise. Kame had inconspicuously wanted to order a non-alcoholic cocktail, but the others had noticed, ignoring his defense about hardly having had anything to eat throughout the day and making him drink with us.

“It’s the first time we’ve seen Akanishi in months!” Koki reasoned with him. “If that’s not a reason to party, what is?!”

“It’s your fault if I end up drunk!” Kame glared at him, only half-serious.

“No, it’s your fault for living on coffee” Ueda added. “You were the one not wanting anything to eat when we ordered earlier!”

“I wasn’t hungry!” he shrugged, rolling his eyes with a laugh, but in the end, he still joined in. He always did.

He also _did_ end up drunk. After no more than half of his glass, he was already laughing uncontrollably at everything everyone said (even at Taguchi, and that had to say something), leaning onto my shoulder slightly, not the tiniest bit aware of what his closeness was doing to me. Well, not that he would have been aware if he had been sober.

The alcohol got to me as well, what with the lack of sleep and the jetting around the world. It buzzed my head pleasantly, but definitely made me even more aware of Kame sitting next to me – the way his eyes shone when he laughed, his voice, the way his hair fell into his dark eyes, and his _smell_ … it all hit me so intense that I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Above all, the alcohol made it impossible to think about what it meant that I was so aware of Kame. I mean, I had always thought the dreams were bad, but _this,_ this was definitely worse. However, for now, I couldn’t think about it. It took all my will power not to put my arms around Kame and pull him into me right in front of the others.

After a while, Nakamaru turned out to be the responsible one out of the group and called it a day, reasoning with Koki that Kame was drunk enough as it is (though Koki seemed to think it rather funny instead of worrying like Nakamaru) and that tomorrow was Saturday, and we could meet up again. He gave in at last, and we left the bar, Kame leaning onto me as we went.

We had to separate ways after that – we all lived in different parts of the city, only Kame’s flat being located in my direction. In the end, I shared a cab with him – also because I was scared of leaving him alone in his state. Kame had never been good with alcohol, and the lack of food seemed to make sure that he was totally wasted instead of only a little buzzed. I wasn’t sure if he would be able to make it upstairs alone.

So I got out with him when we arrived at his apartment block, half carrying him up the stairs while he giggled into me, seeming unaware of my discomfort.

“I’m so glad you are here, Jin” he slurred as we made it to his door.

“Uhum” I murmured, trying to catch my breath. Kame had definitely gained some weight – he was still thin, but noticeably heavier to carry around than I remembered. Or maybe I had just lost muscles. “Kame, we need your keys.”

“In my jeans pocket” he chuckled, not moving a finger to get them. I took a deep breath, taking in his scent with the air. It was not helping.

Then, I steadied him with one arm, reaching out to slip my free hand into the pocket on his right hip, trying to not be too aware of the way I could feel his leg through the fabric.

“It’s not here” I informed him, slightly breathless.

“The other pocket” he answered, giggling again, and I suppressed a groan, drawing the hand out again to shift him in my arms, being able to reach into the left pocket.

“No” he protested weakly. “Back.”

“Say so from the beginning!” I complained, and he only laughed in response, moving his arm around my neck, holding onto me. I gulped, willing my heart beat to slow down, without any success. I had forgotten how clingy Kame became when he was drunk.

Finally, I reached into his back pocket, ignoring the feeling of his bottom through the cotton under my fingers as I encountered the metal of the keys. _Thank god_ , I thought as I pulled it out, unlocking the door to Kame’s flat.

I half-lifted him inside, sitting him down on the floor for a moment to take off his shoes (he didn’t seem to be able to do it himself anymore) and mine. All the while, Kame babbled incoherent sentences, some containing pieces like “missed you” and “America”. They went through me like a hot spoon through ice cream, and my hands were shaking as I moved to lift him up again to bring him to bed.

When I laid him down onto the cushions, I contemplated for a moment if I should change his clothes, but decided against it. Definitely _no_ good idea.

“Alright, I’m gonna go now, Kame” I informed him, shaking him because he had already closed his eyes.

He opened them again so suddenly that it took my breath away for a moment, and I was staring into those dark poles, lost.

“Stay” he whispered, suddenly seeming more sober. “Stay. You were gone for so long.”

“I – I…” I stuttered, taken aback. He was watching me with those beautiful eyes, and I felt drawn in, not being able to refuse him. “Okay” I answered at last.

With that, he closed his eyes again… And was asleep immediately. I stared at him in his sleep, still slightly breathless.

What was happening to me?

Before I knew it, I was leaning down towards him, pressing my lips to his temple, taking in his scent once more. I felt it through my whole body, and my throat tightened as realization ran through me.

_Shit._

In the end, I covered Kame’s sleeping form with a blanket before leaving for the bathroom. I knew I should be going home, but I had just promised Kame that I would stay. Maybe he wouldn’t remember it in the morning, but I had promised, so I would go through with it.

I leaned against the sink of his bathroom, trying to clear my head as I mustered my flushed face in the mirror. This was going totally wrong. I didn’t know what to do.

I looked down at myself, seeing the bulge even through my baggy jeans. _Shit!_

I decided to take a cold shower, to get rid of my arousal, but after 10 minutes of standing under the freezing water, I realized that it was no use when Kame’s face was turning up in front of me every time I closed my eyes. So I turned the water warmer again, sighing as the hot water hit my naked skin, leaning against the wall of the shower, closing my eyes.

I remembered the dreams I had, mixing up with the pictures of the real Kame next door, and finally, I gave in to the desire, my hand traveling down to touch myself. I moaned, imagining it wasn’t my hand that was pumping me but Kame’s, imagining him kissing me, and it didn’t take long until I exploded into my hand, panting and sliding down onto the hard tiles of the shower.

 _“Shit”_ I murmured in realization.

It was not only that I was obviously attracted to Kame – I was in love with him.

And this made things even more complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/36862.html#cutid1  
> http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/08/23/multichapter-the-subconscious-mind-take-3/


	4. Take 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by Stormy

I was barely able to sleep that night. It was not that Kame’s couch was uncomfortable – it was more the fact that I couldn’t get over the fact that I was in love with him. This, and that I was scared to moan his name in my sleep so loud that he would hear it.

I couldn’t understand how it had happened. When had I developed feelings for him? I didn’t remember having them before I went… Or maybe I had, and I just hadn’t been aware of them because Kame had always been nearby. Now, I hadn’t seen him for ages. Maybe that was why it had hit me this hard.

I knew that Kame and I had always had a special relationship. Like fire and ice. We were so different from each other that we always found a way to get on each other’s nerves – Kame with being too much into work and overly strict, me with being overly lazy and careless. But still, we had always made it work. Though we were so different, we had always been super close. Something had always drawn us to each other.

I had always called Pi my best friend, and it was true, because Kame had always been different, somehow. I just had never been able to put it into words.

Now I knew. I had never dreamt to be in bed with Pi, after all.

Eww.

No, it was Kame that I wanted. I couldn’t believe that I did, but it seemed to be the case. I just didn’t understand how… I mean, I had never been gay in the first place! Always straight, not even slightly bi!

So why Kame?

Maybe there was no logic explanation like sexuality for it. Maybe it was something deeper, feelings that went beyond sexes and categorizations – maybe I had always had these feelings for him, but had kept them buried so deep inside that they could do no harm. And then, they resurfaced like that in the form of those dreams, telling me that no matter how hard I tried to run, they were here, inside of me.

Maybe that was the answer to why I never had managed to built a relationship. To why I had never been able to develop deep feelings for another girl. Because no one could ever have caught up to Kame.

I sighed to myself, turning around on the couch so that I was no facing the cushions. Somehow, I wished I hadn’t realized it. It was not like I could ever tell Kame. He would be weirded out by it, and I would destroy our friendship.

I watched as Kame’s living room lit up with the light of the rising sun, not moving to get up, but also not sleeping until I heard movement from the bedroom. I sat up, waiting in silence until I heard a muffled groan, and the squealing of the bed frame. Footsteps, and the door opened, Kame stepping outside, holding his forehead, grimacing in pain, his hair sticking out in every direction. Despite my mood, I had to smile at the picture.

“Good morning” I chuckled, and Kame turned around in light speed, wincing. The movement seemed to have hurt.

“Jin?” he croaked, his voice thick. “What are you still doing here?”

“You asked me to stay” I murmured, feeling stupid now. “So I stayed.”

“I did?” he asked with a frown, sighing at himself. “Man, I’m sorry about that. I must have been pretty out of it, right?”

“Kind of” I smiled. “But it’s okay. Don’t worry.”

“It’s not okay” he groaned, tapping into the kitchen barefooted, murmuring: “I’m gonna kill Koki for making me drink.”

I smirked, standing up to follow him. Kame was wrestling with the coffee machine, his orientation not quite there yet.

“Do you want breakfast?” he asked. “Scribbled eggs?”

I smiled slightly at him remembering that they were my favorite.

“Yeah, thanks” I nodded, sitting down on the kitchen table to watch him, but after a while, I took pity on him, taking matters into my own hands, making him sit down.

“Thanks” Kame murmured, holding his face in both of his hands. “Damn, my head hurts so much…”

“I can imagine it” I snickered.

“Did I do anything embarrassing?” he asked quietly. “I bet I must have…”

I remembered the way he had clung to me, said that he had missed me and was happy that I was here, and gulped on my emotions.

“No” I answered, trying to act indifferent. “You’ve always been a nice drunk.”

“I know I am” he murmured. “I’m too nice. That’s the problem.”

I didn’t answer, turning on the coffee machine and walking over to the fridge to get out some eggs.

When I was done with making breakfast, we ate, chatting quietly and comfortably. Kame became more sober as soon as he had some food, coffee and two aspirin in his system, helping me clean up.

“So, ready for Round 2 tonight?” I teased him.

“Shut up” he chuckled. “I’ll not leave this apartment tonight, no way. The most I can do tonight is watch a movie or something.” He packed away the last plate, looking at me, contemplating. “Do you want to join me?” he suggested. “You know, like in old times.”

I remembered the old times he was talking about – all those movie nights we had made together, cuddled into the couch, wrapped into blankets, _so close_ to each other…

“No, thank you” I answered hesitantly. “I think I should go see my parents. They don’t even know I’m here yet. And I should call Pi. He will kill me if I don’t.”

“Oh sure” Kame nodded, seeming slightly disappointed. “I don’t want to monopolize you, after all.”

I wanted to answer that he could if he wanted to, but let it be. I stared off into space, and Kame noticed, frowning at me.

“Are you okay?” he asked gently. “You seem kind of down…”

I blinked, trying to smile naturally, but I could tell immediately that Kame could see through it. I had a reputation for being obvious, after all, and Kame just _knew_ me.

“I’m fine” I lied. “You’re imagining it.”

“I’m not” he said, sure of himself as he took a step closer to me, looking into my eyes. “What’s wrong, Jin?”

I looked into his eyes, and all my feelings for him washed over me. How could I not have noticed how  much in love with him I was? It was so obvious to me now… And this was exactly my problem. I loved him so much that I wanted to cry because I knew that I couldn’t have him.

Kame was trying to read my face, and I was scared that he would guess what was wrong, so I looked away from him, murmuring: “I’d better go…”

But Kame wouldn’t have any of it. He touched my arm gently, making me look at him again. I could feel the warmth of his skin through my shirt, and it made it so much harder to breathe.

“You can talk to me, you know” Kame promised, his face honest and worried. It made my heart ache. “Whatever it is, I’ll be there.”

No, you won’t, I thought quietly to myself. You will turn away from me, and I can’t take that. I’d rather be in love with you silently than lose you altogether.

“I really need to go” I whispered, turning to leave, but Kame held onto my arm more firmly, holding me back.

“Jin” he said quietly, and I couldn’t take it – the tenderness in his voice, the way he wanted to help me so much, not knowing he couldn’t – I turned back to him, and without thinking, I pulled him into me.

Kame froze in surprise as I hugged him close, but soon, he hugged me back, trying to comfort me silently with his nearness. He ran his hand over my back soothingly, and I suppressed a shiver before I let go of him again.

“I really need to go” I repeated, feeling it all becoming too  much. My emotions were starting to take control of me, and it was dangerous. I couldn’t think straight anymore – I just wanted him close, and I knew I couldn’t, and…

“Jin!” Kame said firmly, grabbing a fistful of my shirt, keeping me from moving away. “Just tell me what’s wrong!”

“Don’t come closer” I whispered, barely audible, but he caught it anyways.

“Why not?” he asked, frowning, then ignoring my warning by stepping closer, touching my shoulder. “Jin, listen to me, I-“

I didn’t let him finish his sentence; before I knew it, the tiny bit of self control that was left in my body snapped and I leaned in, pressing my lips to his. Kame froze, not moving as I eagerly moved my lips against his, kissing him clumsily before pulling away again.

Kame blinked, staring. My breathing became racked as I realized with some horror what I had just done.

Without another word, I turned around, fleeing his flat. I heard Kame call after me weakly, but didn’t stop until I had closed the door behind me. Then, I leaned against it, letting my desperation take the best of me.

What the heck was wrong with me?! Why couldn’t I keep anything for myself, just this once?! No, I had not even realized my feelings for Kame for more than 24 hours, and I just went ahead and destroyed _everything_!

I sat down on the steps in front of me, burying my head in my hands. Kame would be disgusted by me and by my feelings. He would avoid me.

Before I could run myself further into depression, however, the door to Kame’s flat opened, and Kame stepped outside, fully dressed and obviously ready to run after me to wherever I would have run, but he froze when he saw me sitting on the stairs in front of him.

I looked away when our eyes met, too scared to really take in his expression.

“I’m sorry” I murmured.

Kame moved, and suddenly, he was cowering in front of me, his hands on my knees, both to soothe and to steady himself.

“Don’t be” he returned, his voice quiet and gentle. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not” I whispered, my voice thin and vulnerable.

Kame stood again, and before I could react, he had reached for my hands, pulling me up with him.

“Come back inside” he suggested, letting go of one hand, but keeping the other in his, squeezing it.

I didn’t answer, but he still pulled me after him, closing the door behind us. I let him bring me into the living room, pushing me down onto the couch, sitting next to me.

We were silent for a moment, and Kame licked his lips. A sign of nervousness.

“Since when…” Kame started, his voice hesitant. “… have you started to…” he let the sentence hang in the air.

“I only realized it last night” I admitted, my voice no more than a whisper. “But I’ve had these dreams about you for quite some time, and… Now I know what they mean.”

Kame nodded, seeming to try to take it in.

“Why didn’t you just say it?” he asked quietly.

“How could I have?!” I demanded, horrified. “ _’Hey, Kame, just so that you know, I’m obviously gay and in love with you!’_ That would not have been scary at all, right?!”

“Well, maybe a little” he admitted. “But… it’s good that you said it.”

“No, it’s not” I murmured, desperate. “It makes things so much more complicated.”

“No” Kame protested, shaking his head. “I mean, yes, it does, but – it’s okay, I mean –“ he cut himself off, obviously not finding the right words to say, before locking eyes with me. He searched my face, and I wasn’t even sure what he was searching for, but he seemed to find it. And then he leaned in, and I held my breath as I felt his lips on mine again.

This time, Kame didn’t hold still – he moved his lips against mine gently, as if testing the waters. It was like a first kiss between two school kids, careful, no tongue, no touching – nothing. But still, when we broke away, we were out of breath.

“Kame?” I asked unsurely, not knowing what to make out of this kiss from him. I didn’t dare to hope. It seemed too impossible to…

“I don’t know if I feel the same for you as you do for me” Kame said quietly. “But I know that you are important to me, important enough to give this a try. So could you… could you just kiss me, and we’ll see how things work out?”

“Are you serious?” I asked, incredulous.

“Yes” he nodded. “I can’t tell you what I feel for you, but… I know that it’s not nothing. And that is a start, right?”

I nodded, and Kame leaned in again. I met him halfway this time, bringing our lips together again, kissing him gently.

I felt like my whole body was on fire the moment we were touching, and it took all my self control not to pull him against me and ravish him. I still couldn’t believe that this was really happening, and I was scared that, if I made one wrong move now, he would turn away and tell me it was all a stupid idea.

Kame reached out to tentatively touch my arm, as if to cross the distance between us in those small steps, and I felt the warmth of his hand through my sweatshirt, and my throat tightened with held back emotions. All I wanted was to pull him against me and-

“Stop holding back so much” Kame whispered against my lips, looking up at me.

“Huh?” I asked, breathless. Had he noticed…?

“It’s like kissing a stature” Kame chuckled, squeezing my arm. “I told you to kiss me, right? So do it! I’m not gonna break into pieces, you know!”

“That’s not it” I murmured, feeling myself blush slightly as I focused on the point where his neck met his shoulder. “I’m just… I’m scared that you’ll change your mind if I…”

Kame sighed before reaching up with his free hand to stroke my cheek, making me look at him again. Those dark eyes that I was so familiar with had some new shine to them, some tint of emotions that  Ihad never seen in them before.

“I promise I’m not going anywhere” he whispered. “I’m not going to disappear! So stop worrying!”

With that, he leaned up to kiss me again, and after another moment of hesitation, I put my arms around him, pulling him into me. I deepened the kiss, running my tongue over his lips, and he opened them, granting me access. Kame squeezed my arm even more tightly, and I hoped it meant approval of my actions.

Our tongues danced with each other, and I let the bliss take over my mind, exploring the inside of Kame’s mouth, taking in his scent, reveling in his warmth… It felt so good to hold him close, to kiss him… This was what I had been searching for. Why all those times with Aubree and the other girls had been no good. Because I had never felt _this_ , this overwhelming meaningfulness.

And as freaked out as I had been about it before, I didn’t care that Kame was a guy anymore. All I knew was that I wanted him, _needed_ him, and who was to say that I couldn’t feel this way because we were the same sex?!

Kame murmured something incoherent against my lips, but he didn’t pull away – in the contrary, he moved one of his arms around my neck, pulling me closer – so I payed no attention to it, continuing to kiss him.

Our breathing became increasingly labored. After a while, I dared to make the next move, pushing Kame backwards to lie down on the couch, hovering on top of him, continuing to kiss him. We were tangled into each other, and I could feel every move of his body against me, every twitch, every reaction to me, and I loved it.

I started to stroke Kame’s sides, and he squirmed under my touch, moving to turn us around, so that both of us were lying on our sides, facing each other. We broke our kiss, breathing hard, and I could feel Kame’s warm breath on my face.

“That tickled” he informed me, breathless. “Do that again and I’ll touch your collarbone!”

I bit my lip in embarrassment, and Kame chuckled, looking into my eyes, seeming thoughtful.

“What is going to happen now?” he asked quietly. “I… I don’t think I’m ready for…” he struggled with his words for a moment, before he concluded, much to my amazement, “ _sex_ , if you understand…” I wanted to respond him, but he continued babbling. “I mean, kissing you is really nice, and I enjoy this, but this needs some getting used to, and-“

I lifted a finger to his lips, shushing him.

“You talk too much” I informed him. He stayed silent, waiting for me to continue. “I don’t expect anything from you” I murmured. “I mean, you don’t know how happy it makes me that you’re even willing to try this. That you’re not… disgusted with me, not wanting to talk to me ever again!”

“I would never-“ Kame protested, but I pressed my finger further against his lips, shutting him up again.

“We can take our time, and see where this takes us. You set the pace, and I’ll wait. Okay?”

Kame smiled, and I removed my finger, letting him speak.

“That sound nice” he nodded, sneaking an arm around my waist, squirming even closer to me. “But Jin?”

“Mhm?” I murmured, nuzzling my nose with his, searching the intimacy.

Kame grinded his hips against mine gently, making me gasp in surprise as I felt the bulge in his pants touch mine.

“I _am_ kind of excited” he whispered, his eyes closed and his face slightly flushed. I wondered what kind of Hercules-like courage it took for him to say this. “Can we do something about this?”

For a moment, I was unable to even move or breathe, because I didn’t know why, but this was just _hot_ , Kame being so insecure, but then I got myself together and kissed him again, more hungrily this time, my hands slipping under his shirt, tracing the tights muscles of his stomach. He shivered under my touch, and I pulled at his shirt, lifting it over his head, discarding it onto the floor.

My hands were all over him after that – I felt the need to touch every part of him, not wanting to miss a single inch, and Kame’s breathing sped up more and more with every touch of mine, and he twitched and bit his lip to keep from moaning. I kissed him again, keeping him from drawing blood from his lip, and Kame reached out to pull at my shirt as well. I let him undress me, but gave him as good as no chance to touch me, because I was too busy exploring his body, now kissing up and down his chest, my lips nibbling on every curve they found.

Hey, to my defense, Kame had asked me to take care of him. And who was I to not fulfill that request…?

My hands reached for Kame’s belt soon, and I began to undo his jeans while kissing his stomach, licking down his happy trail, noticing how Kame gripped the couch cushions under my ministrations. Finally, I had managed to open his pants, pulling them down his legs, together with his black boxer briefs. His erection sprang free, and in that moment, my brain failed to work. It was like my body acted on its own, and later, I would be embarrassed over my bluntness, but for now, I didn’t care.

So I took him into my mouth, running my tongue over his tip before I went up and down on him. Kame moaned in surprise at my action, bucking up his hips unconsciously. He hid the back of my throat, making me gag for a moment, holding his hips down. Kame got the message, holding still as I continued, letting out moans and whimpers every time I moved around him. I sincerely hoped he had thick walls.

I swallowed around him, feelings his hips twitch under my fingers, and felt lightheaded. It was _fun_ , knowing that what I was doing was making him lose control over himself. Kame, who was always so reserved, always dominating everything. And now, something I did brought him so much pleasure that he gave himself to me completely – this knowledge was intoxicating.

I gave it all my effort to please him, hollowing my cheeks around him, sucking, using my tongue to lick every part of him, repeating my actions whenever he let out an especially loud moan… And then he tensed, moaning my name as he came, and I choked a little as I tried to swallow, because stupid as I was, I hadn’t thought about _that_ part.

But Kame didn’t notice, now lying totally boneless on the couch, panting. I smiled at his sight, crawling up to lie down next to him again, pulling him into me, stroking the sweaty hair out of his face, watching him as he came down from his high.

“Gosh, Jin” he whispered, still breathless, not opening his eyes. “Where did you _learn_ that?! Did you have other guys in bed besides me?! Because if you did, I want to know their names. Not that I walk across someone and-“

“Calm down, okay?” I chuckled. “You are the first one, I swear. But I’m pleased I was so good” I added, smug now. “Was I the best blowjob you ever had?”

“Even if you were, I wouldn’t tell you because you’re just gonna get arrogant if I do” Kame murmured, and I pouted, resting my chin on his shoulder, glaring at him. Kame opened one eye, chuckling at my face before twisting to kiss me again. “I guess it’s your turn” he whispered, pushing me to lie on my back.

I obliged, looking up at him as he propped himself on his elbow, locking eyes with me before he let his free hand travel over my chest. His touch was gentle, steady, and I felt it go through my body like a warm wave of a whirlpool, steadily heating me up until I felt it all becoming too much.

Kame’s eyes didn’t leave mine as he opened my jeans, getting rid of the offending fabric, until he was able to touch me as well. His fingers ran up and down my shaft, tickling it, slow and careful at first, and I pulled him down into a kiss, needing to feel his lips.

Kame’s tenderness was overwhelming. Even as he picked up the pace of his hand, pumping me, his touch was still gentle and soft, and I wondered how in all those years, no woman had managed to touch me like that, even though women were meant to be the gentler creatures. Or maybe it just seemed to me like that, because my feelings for Kame were just so much deeper than those for any other girl before, and maybe it would just feel so much more intense even if he was the worst bed partner I ever had. In the end, sex definitely _was_ about feelings, not about techniques.

I whispered Kame’s name over and over against his lips as I came too, clinging to him as I went over the edge. Kame hugged me close, resting his head against my forehead while I recovered my breathing.

“I don’t think my dreams are gonna stop with this” I whispered, and Kame arched an eyebrow at me, chuckling.

“If you dream about me again, wake me and we’ll act it out” he murmured suggestively, bending down to kiss me again. I smiled, bringing my hand into his hair, holding him close to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/08/23/multichapter-the-subconscious-mind-take-4/


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by Stormy

_2 months later, in L.A._

I groaned in annoyance as the door bell rang, glaring into its direction. I’d had a long, _long_ day of work. All I wanted was to cuddle into bed and maybe skype a little with Kame later. Who the heck dared to interrupt my well earned leisure-time?!

I got up, dragging myself towards the door, opening it, already snapping: “I’m in no mood, so whatever it is-“

I cut myself off, staring into the smiling face of Kamenashi Kazuya, freezing. Kame raised an eyebrow at me, smirking.

“Is it bad now?” he inquired. “I can go again.”

“Don’t you dare!” I whispered, pulling him into me, not understanding what the heck he was doing here, but not caring either, because he _was,_ and he smelled so good, and…

“Sorry that I didn’t call beforehand” Kame chuckled, resting his head against my shoulder. “I just wanted to see you. I missed you.”

I bit my lip to not grin ridiculously from the happiness his presence brought to me, hugging him closer before breaking away, letting him inside. As soon as Kame had slipped out of his shoes and put his luggage down, I was already attacking him, kissing him passionately, trying to pour all my feelings for him into that kiss, telling him how much I had missed him since we had parted.

“I thought you were tired?” Kame teased, and I squeezed his waist where he was ticklish, making him chuckle.

“Sleep can wait. I haven’t seen you in a month” I complained, kissing him again, letting him pull me against him.

We stumbled towards my couch, which was nearer than the bed, and I fell backwards onto it, Kame leaning down to me, smiling against my lips as I tried to pull him down into my lap.

“Relax” Kame whispered, nibbling on my bottom lip before kneeling down, resting in between my legs, starting to open my pants.

I felt some kind of flashback, as if I had been in exactly the same situation before, but Kame had not been in L.A. yet, so… And then I remembered. It was the situation of the very first dream I had of Kame – him, leaning down to take me into his mouth, this couch… I moaned, feeling the reality of it hit me, overwhelmed by the happiness of making it until here.

Kame hollowed his cheek around me, humming quietly against me, like he knew that I loved it, and I bucked my hips into it, being incredibly close in such a short time. Then I noticed what was different from my dream – the gentleness in Kame’s touch, the way he put so much effort to make me feel good, was what made the difference. Dream Kame could never compete with the real Kame.

Soon, he brought me over the edge, leaning against my right knee, looking up at me from his position as I came down from my high.

“Jin” he whispered, his face serious, and he waited till I locked eyes with him.

“Mhm?” I murmured, showing him I was listening.

“I want a relationship” he told me, his voice gentle. “I want this to be official.”

I blinked, needing a moment to let his words sink in. It took my breath away, and a smile so wide that it hurt my cheeks slowly started to spread across my face, making Kame smile as well.

Right now, I felt like the luckiest guy in the whole world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/08/23/multichapter-the-subconscious-mind-epilogue/

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/08/23/multichapter-the-subconscious-mind-take-1/  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/35658.html


End file.
